Best friends...

For the last 7 years, I've had an amazing best friend, Jax. We've been through so many ups and downs together, have shared so many laughs/tears and have grown as individuals together... She is the first person who hears my triumphs, my challenges, my bad days, my complaints, my celebrations... She has been there for me through the hard and the easy and she's always there to kick me in the ass or give me a shoulder to cry on.

I really don't think that words alone can express how grateful I am for her presence in my life. I'm going through some major changes right now and she has been my anchor.

Thanks, Jax, for all you've done, do, and will do for me. I love you, you are proof that you CAN choose your family.


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Burning man

Burning man was a reality check for me. A reminder that I'm not invincible. A reminder that I do suffer from a sometimes debilitating disease. And I didn't learn this lesson the easy way, either.

We arrived for "early entry" on Friday, after having spent the previous day in a car with minimal stretch breaks (mistake #1). We also arrived on the playa with mild food poisoning courtesy of the Sands Hotel in Reno. (Mistake #2). We then proceeded to work our asses off all weekend to set up camp. I carried lots of heavy stuff and busted my butt trying to be helpful (Mistake #3)

So, by the time the Burn week actually began, I was exhausted and sore. I didn't quite realize the magnitude of my exhaustion until
Thursday but I was definitely tired. (lesson learned: ask for help, do less physical labor, manage my pain better with meds). I thought I was pacing myself enough with sleep at night and daytime naps, but I was still exhausted. By Thursday, I was pretty exhausted and having a rough time. By Saturday, I was irrationally tired. Nothing sounded good, food (as it had been all week) and water were both hurting my stomach... I was snapping at Nathaniel, just plain no fun to be with. (lesson learned: when at the burn with a partner, plan separate nights/days out and if I'm tired at night, I suck it up and go to bed solo to avoid conflict!!!)

It was, overall, a good time. However, I learned some very hard lessons and am still trying to smooth the edges... Recourse for my actions. I've definitely had to do a lot of thinking, introspection, etc and had many conversations regarding how this could have been avoided and ways to prevent it from ever happening again.

I oftentimes forget how strong the symptoms of RA can get... And would rather ignore that I have it. Guess that's just not the right thing to do.

The ride there was fun....






The scenery was beautiful....




Finally "home"


One of our two main camp structures...



Our home for 11 days...



Outfits...

First day on the playa...


We got very dusty...


The temple was so amazingly beautiful...




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The ebb and flow

Life is such a funny mixed bag of emotions. Sometimes, it's hard to even see things for what they really are because emotions and/or circumstance over shadow the true core of the emotion, thought, task or situation at hand. When this happens, I believe that it is time for serious self reflection, life reflection and self improvement.

I see my life as a work in progress, an unfinished painting, an incomplete concerto, the novel that continues to go through edits and have chapters added... It will never be "quite right" but clearly it is my duty to ensure that I make it as complete and as good as possible. Sometimes I might paint the wrong stroke, select the wrong note, choose the wrong words... But the nice thing about life is that you can always take action to improve upon the things that are just a little off.

Do we always realize when we are going astray? Are humans flawless? Absolutely not. Sometimes it takes the gentle (or in some cases harsh) eyes of the people around us to really put things into perspective, something which is never easy. How we accept this information and what we do with it can make all the difference in the world. If we take the information and ignore it, brushing it off as silly, we cannot grow. Stagnation in growth is failure to thrive. Failure to thrive is certain death...and who wants that? Shouldn't we strive for continuous improvement and personal growth? Shouldn't our quest be to become the best people we can be? Change is hard, change is damn hard... But I refuse to sit still in life accepting mediocrity for myself.


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Good morning!

Figured I need to blog more... So here's a continuing attempt at achieving this...




The kiddos on their way to school!!



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A photo dump update

We moved to Coronado! So far loving the ability to walk EVERYWHERE. Next step - getting the kids bike ready!

Just a few from our journey thus far... I've drafted several updates to post as soon as I have time...
















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ramble ramble

I don't really talk about it much, at least not out loud, but the dialogue in my own head is loud and clear and occasionally it gets too much to contain... It just seems as though all too often, I look at the people in my life and wonder why I try so hard. I feel that I am a great friend, an awesome person, and I'm always striving to make those I care about feel loved and appreciated... but so much of the time, everyone seems too wrapped up in their own drama and problems to even NOTICE that they are being thrown so much positive energy. I can't help but want to make the world a better place, even if that means reaching out and touching ONE person at a time. Even if I can only better the life of a single person, my life would be meaningful. Though - better MY own life is a constant and ever present challenge and desire. But... I feel as though my mission in life is to help others, whether it be in helping them make changes in their own lives or showing them something positive through example. Are people just THAT wrapped up in their own lives that they can't take moments to see beyond themselves? Or perhaps, perhaps I am wrong in my thought that people can even SEE beyond their own lives with ease... though - why is it that I constantly step outside of myself and try to impact others? Is the effort futile? Or perhaps people simply don't know how to receive such a gift and therefore, in spite of their recognition of it, cannot react appropriately? But then again - what is "appropriately?" How can I expect a reaction of a certain type that I don't really even have a specific behavior attached to it? What IS IT that I am actually expecting? A thanks? A hug? A change of THEIR behavior? I'm not quite sure what, exactly, it is. Though... I suppose I'd expect SOME kind of indication that my efforts were at least positively received... but then again, how can I want a positive result for a behavior/action that wasn't even ASKED for? Is it wrong for me to ASSUME that people WANT love and for someone to care about them as I do? Perhaps my expectations are a bit high... but then again, there I go saying the word "expectation." I can't fairly expect ANYTHING from another human being. I can't assume that my actions will create some kind of reaction... though - for every action there is a reaction... (equal or oppositive, that is)... so positive or negative, a reaction is warranted. Perhaps their lack of action is this reaction. Inaction = action. I find this to be a bit sad. Though - this type of inaction will not stop my actions. Anyway, I go back and read those paragraphs sometimes and realize that to others reading it, it might not make sense... but, these are thoughts in my head at times and I feel the need to put it to paper. So that some day, maybe years and years from now, I can look back on what I was doing, what I was thinking... and realize that I am/was simply trying to better the world. MY world? THE world? What world is it that I am trying to improve. The world of those around me? How does one even define such parameters? But alas, I ramble. (And should probably head to bed)

regret?

So many things are happening in my life... the wings of change are starting to lift me higher. I feel that I am constantly improving myself and my life, in spite of the fact that I face obstacles on a pretty regular basis. After my 50k in April, I felt on top of the world... in the best shape of my life and ready to conquer ANYTHING. Anyway, I stopped training as hard and just started to relax and enjoy life...and focus on the kids and things at home. However, that's where things began to change. Jason and I have had a great relationship for the last 7 years. We are best friends. We love each other very much. We communicate well and have similar ideals when it comes to raising our children. However, the passion is gone. It pretty much disappeared...and what we have left is a great friendship and a solid foundation for raising our children... and with that, we have moved past each other. Into other relationships, friendships, partnerships, etc. Do I have regrets? No. I simply cannot regret anything of the last 7 years. I have learned from the experiences and feel that I am a stronger, better equipped person and that I am able to better take on new challenges with ease. I feel that I am able to put my energy and efforts elsewhere (besides my marriage) without any hesitation and am, in fact, a better person because of that experience. I have learned so much about myself, about relationships, and about what it takes to "make things work." I have expanded my heart, my mind, the possibilities of life. The world is truly at my fingertips and I am excited to continue moving forward with life. Do I think that I will ever want to marry again? Do I want more kids? Why has it been so easy to just "let go" of this marriage? Well... I don't know. I think the answer to the first two questions is really a matter of life, experience, and time. Do I know what will happen tomorrow? Can I predict the future? Do I feel that a marriage is a necessity in life? Not really. I've been there, done that... and could maybe do it again... but I am not going to confine myself to any preconceived notions or expectations. Do I want more kids? At the moment, I can't really fathom the notion of "being pregnant" -- but I had great pregnancies, easy births, and I love children. So really, everything in life is currently "up for discussion" and at the hand of circumstance. And how has it been easy for me? This hasn't been easy at all. This has been one of the hardest realizations of my life... the realization that something I've worked so hard at has failed. Though... has it really failed? I'm not sure. I don't necessarily feel that marriage is the "be all, end all." In fact, before I got married, I'm not sure I necessarily bought into the whole idea at all. Sure, judge me all you want... but really, I don't believe that a piece of paper holds the key to my happiness. I feel that love comes in SO many forms, and people can be brought together and tied by a bond far greater than a marriage certificate can possible proclaim... so do I feel badly about the ending of my marriage? No. I feel fortunate to have had the experience and to have learned the lessons that I was able to learn. I am elated having emerged from this with another beautiful daughter (Ellie) and the adoption of Zoe. I am thrilled to have found a best friend and partner for the last 7 years and am so grateful for all of our experiences that we shared. Besides... for the most part, I don't hold anything that has happened in my life as a "regret." I see everything as some kind of lesson or growth opportunity. I try to keep an open mind and heart to new experiences as much as possible and strive to achieve some kind of knowledge from everything that I do. That being said... here's to new experiences, a new chapter of this crazy book, and a new path on this crazy journey called life. I'm just glad I have all of the amazing people in my life to share it with... but some of that is a story for another day. Regardless, the bottom line is that I am happy... and am just enjoying the ride... without expectation, without a predetermined plan... just hanging on, as the wind blows steadily in my hair. :)

A grand canyon of a time

So this past weekend, we went to the grand canyon! I've never been before and it was definitely a "bucket list" item. We did the "bright angel trail" hike to plateau point. Just wanted to share a few photos for now...









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Location:Phyllis Pl,San Diego,United States

My 50k journey in photos

More to come... But these are from my phone :)

Our outfits... These got a lot of compliments. People kept asking if we were twins. As for the theme of the outfits - We were well prepared for the original race date which was patty's day...



One of the only times I'll ever race with a single digit number.


Because we are badass :)


Ready to go!!


They don't call it the sunrise highway for nothing...


Beautiful...


Loved the scenery...





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take that, arthritis!! (I'M AN ULTRA MARATHONER!!!!!)

In 2011, I had decided that I wanted to run 30 miles for my 30th birthday. Unfortunately for me, I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis a few months before, and was in no shape mentally or physically to actually do it. My arthritis was out of control and there was no way I'd be able to train properly. So I put the idea on the shelf for awhile, deciding that I would revisit in in the future...

Flash forward to the end of 2011... Jackie and I decided that for her last year in her 20's and my first year in my 30's, we'd run an ultra together. So, we trained for it... in a manner more relaxed than ever before but just as hard...and we were ready come March 16th, the day before the race. Sadly, that morning, we received an email stating that the race had been cancelled due to extreme weather conditions. This was a huge bummer as we were ready to go at this time...

The race was postponed until April 7th. Fortunately, we were both free that weekend and agreed to give it a go then. Unfortunately, Jackie came down with the "death cold" a couple weeks before the race and didn't have the time or energy to train much in the couple weeks leading up to the race. Given the fact that running is high impact on my joints, I tend to avoid running whenever possible, so I limited my training to using the elliptical and weights... especially since my arthritis has been acting up the last couple weeks, making my knees hurt.

The night before the race, neither Jax nor I slept well. I woke up at 3am with nausea and a stomach ache, as did Jax. However, mine was just initial nerves. Unfortunately for Jax, her stomach proceeded to give her problems until mile 18, when I made her drop out of the race.

The course is beautiful. I've never run through so much bio-diversity. Some areas were full of rocks, others cactii, some weird desert grass, other areas were sandy - almost like a beach. And then there was "death hill" -- an absolutely SOUL CRUSHING grade...and I didn't realize, until the turnaround, that probably 60-70% of the first half of the race was DOWNHILL!!

In any case... I had a feeling the day was not going to go as planned when Jax stomach started causing problems about 3 miles into the race. Things progressively got worse until around mile 12 when she got nauseous. She didn't have anyting in her stomach to vomit, until after the aid station around mile 15-16 (when she ate) but proceeded to puke a few times between there, the turnaround, and the aid station. (Did I mention that I HATE puke??!?!?) In any case, I knew at that point that it was unsafe for her to continue, especially knowing that we'd have the crazy ascent out of the canyon to conquer. At this point, we were nearly last. All of the bathroom stops and Jackie not feeling well had put very little distance between us and the course sweeper, who was a friend of ours. While we knew they wouldn't kick us off the course, time was running out, and we had already been on the course for 6 hours.

After much goading, I persuaded her to stay at the S2 aid station and go back to the finish line to wait for me. I was feeling good and my arthritis was at bay... there was just no way that I could give up now... who knew when I would have the chance to try this again, under these conditions, with my arthritis behaving...so shedding a few tears, I left her at the aid station and continued on.

The next 13 miles were interesting. I didn't bring an ipod...and I have a fear and loathing for running by myself. So there I was, in the desert, without my best friend... without anyone within sight in front of me or behind me. I stopped to pee and heard a strange rattle... so I quickly finished up and bolted as fast as I could. I started to see people climbing up death hill and knew I'd be able to catch up to someone, anyone... so I sped up...and caught up to a pack of older guys, who were just enjoying the scenery. I walked with them for a bit, talking about life and racing... and then sped up, knowing I wanted to get to the finish line ASAP.

I conquered death hill and continued on. The climbing seemed to never end, and as I approached the last aid station, I saw a familiar face. My friend Erin was a volunteer and took my picture... then walked with me the 1/2-ish mile to the aid station, talking to me the entire time. It was just the boost I needed. When I got there, the volunteers showered me with love and support... so incredible. I got the motivation and inspiration that I needed to push on. With about 10k to go, I knew I'd be able to finish. I started running faster... and *POP* a blister (that I didn't even know was there) had popped on my big toe. I kept running a few steps. OW!! It was starting to hurt. I freaked out for a moment then remembered I had blister sheets in my pack. I wrapped my dirty toe and continued on. I caught up to a guy who chatted me up for a bit, which really cheered me up. 8k, 7k, 5k... the miles were ticking down. "I have less than an Ironman swim to the finish line!" I texted my husband.

Then, with less than a mile to go...another surprise on the course. Another friend and volunteer, Diana Black, met me and brought me home. She encouraged and pushed me to run faster than I had the entire rest of the race and I even mustered up the adrenaline to sprint to the finish line, into the arms of Jax, Jason, and Nathaniel. It was such an awesome feeling being done, and having my favorite people there to give me love and support.

Thank you to all who called, texted, or thought of us yesterday. Thank you to my mom for watching the kids all day, to all of the race volunteers and support who made the day possible and to my best friend, Jax, for getting me into this crazy world of endurance sports... for encouraging and supporting me through thick and thin... for being my rock, my cheerleader... for pushing through to mile 18... without you, yesterday would have been IMPOSSIBLE...but we will be back next year - we will get our revenge and conquer the course as we would have wanted to had there not been stomach issues.

The day ended with a sushi buffet dinner with some of my favorite people followed by a hot shower and some rest and relaxation.

Today I don't feel as bad as I expected. I felt far better earlier in the day and am now exhausted and sore... but definitely reeling in the awesomeness that was yesterday.

(I'm sure I've forgotten some details, but they will be added as I remember...and as I post photos/videos)

Until next time...