ONE MONTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Holy wow... one month until the race. One month to fully prepare myself mentally and physically for the "big day." One month to be all that I can be, train as hard as I can train...and try to break down the mental walls that seem to be conquering me harder than the physical challenges of this training.

I really need to start meditating again, practicing visualization techniques and self-motivation. I need to drop the negative self talk and replace it with only positivity. I need to truly BELIEVE that I can accomplish all that I set out to do. I suppose I just sound like I need to convince MYSELF, right? I just need to accept the fact that I can, in fact, actually embrace the term "athlete" and allow myself to fall under that category... I AM an athlete, right?? I mean, some days I definitely do not feel like one... I feel like a wannabe... a fake... a phoney...I feel like I have the drive and desire but lack the physical prowess to back it up.

But you know what... I can do this. I CAN do this. I WILL do this. I am GOING to do this. I am ABLE to do this.

Tonight, Randi and I swam 3300 yards...It was supposed to be 3000... but I get so wrapped up on my music and start jamming out... next thing I know, 3000 turns into 3300...and I'm flying (well, not really) down the lanes, oblivious to the world around me. Bobbie also gave us some pointers and a lesson on reaching and pulling... now, in the words of Randi "If only I can implement it..." But it's getting better.

In any case, I am excited for the weekend.... I can't wait to get back to Mission Trails with Jackie and explore the "finer" parts of San Diego via bicycle... Tomorrow = bike, run, swim... Friday = my birthday fun... and then... then comes the glorious weekend...

I WILL DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

a summer cold?

So I woke up this morning extremely sore... and with a head cold. AWESOME. So I popped a couple tylonol and am now chugging a large batch of Emergen-C. Not happy. I have way too much to accomplish the rest of this week and this weekend. Tonight, I have a swim session with Bobbie because I think my technique has gone to hell and is ineffective... and I have to somehow pull out this fantastic 3000m swim workout... complete with sprints and progressive 100s. Should be a good time, especially for a slow swimmer like myself. Lets just hope that it doesn't take 2 hours.

As a kid, I'd frequently injure (strain/sprain/whatever) my neck and lately, I've been having incredibly annoying shoulder/neck problems. I noticed last night, around 9pm, that my left shoulder and side of my neck was extremely uncomfortable. I struggled to find a decent position to sleep in, knowing that if I slept on my right side, my shoulder nerve impingement would get aggrivated.... so I ended up sleeping on my stomach, as usual, but with my hands shoved under the pillow in a position that is tolerable to my ailments... (See, I told you guys that I'm getting old!!!) And so today I'm sitting at my desk with one of those heat patches on my shoulders... ugh... totally NOT the way I wanted to start my day...

... and to top it all off... my 8 year old SIM card in my new phone (been with Tmobile for 8 years, haven't ever had to replace the card) died and my phone isn't working... so off to the tmobile store I will go during "lunch."

Good times... NOT a good way to approach a Wednesday.

the wheels on the bike go round and round

Fabulous workout today... Thank you, Randi!! 20 mile ride, 5 mile run... great company. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Felt so refreshing to ride around lake miramar (albeit frustrating with all of the pedestrian and casual bike traffic) but the wind (and there was a stiff wind) in my hair, the overcast sky allowing me to wear a sweatshirt, and a good friend at my side... I felt so good. Even the run... In fact, I really do love running - just not a fast pace. At a 9:25/mile, I am super happy...relaxed... my HR gets high - but I can breathe easily, talk to friends, enjoy my surroundings. (Maybe this is because my AT is 166!!! and my LT is 197!)

I'm getting pretty excited for this race... this weekend requires some high mileage...and I'm excited for it. Friday is my 29th birthday - and to commemorate it, we are swimming 2 miles, then running for 9... followed by dinner in La Jolla... anyone is welcome to join for some or all of it. Should be a good time :)

So finally... I've found the love again... I'm smiling through my workouts... I feel alive... I've felt strong on my last two runs... Perhaps the training is working afterall, right?

Bring it ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

flirting with disaster?

So those of you who know me well... you know I'm not a sprinter... I'm not "fast twitch" inclined. When it comes to my approach to sports, I live for LSD (no, no.... nothing illegal... LONG, SLOW DISTANCE) And for quite some time now, I've had this recurring dream (literally, at night... sleeping...a dream) about doing an ultra marathon. And after a lot of thought, I've decided that doing one is going to be my next endeavor for next year.

So I'm sitting here looking at http://www.ultramarathonrunning.com/races/usa.html#CA and wondering... which one will I do? Definitely not a 100 miler... maybe a 50 miler... but I'm thinking that starting with 50k might be the most intelligent choice of the three. I wonder if there are any NOT on that list that might be worth doing. I don't see Oriflamme on there... http://www.ar50mile.com/ sounds like fun, but it's up in Sacramento and in April... though the benefits to that would be that it's a bit cooler... though I think I'm looking for something in the Fall of 2011...

Now this is all just thoughts in my head for right now... I just think it's funny that Jax goal is to BQ next year (because she's fast) and I just want to go long and slow... (well... because I'm not fast) -- but she's definitely more of a sprinter (and more of an athlete) than I will ever be. (Maybe if I were to lose the boobs... I'd be a faster runner... HAHA!!)

In any case... I always need to have a new goal, a new plan... This half ironman training has been awesome - I just now know that I'm going to have to wait until the kids are a bit older to really even start considering doing a full ironman. Jax and I said by 2018... so I guess we'll see what happens in the future. But it's nice to be excited about the future...and finding new limits to push, new goals to achieve...

For now, I'm going to enjoy my training, my family, my friends... and see what I'm truly made out of. I woke up this morning a bit sore from class but with a renewed focus and love for all of this craziness.

...Barb's Race (1/2 Iron) ; Malibu (Oly) and then... La Piece de La Resistance... the RnR Half... where I hope to go sub-2 hours ... which would mean crushing my recently achieved PR by 12 minutes... Can I do it??? I'm sure as hell going to try.

Can't wait for this weekend - lots of miles and fun to be shared along the pavement and on the trails with some of my best friends... and lots of time to be spent with the family.

i found the love

Funny how a great class can do wonders for me... today was the Monday night class at Rehab United and it was awesome. I had such a great time - all 60 muscle burning, sweat dripping, body pumping moments of it. It was truly awesome. Not only was the company great but the workout itself was a lot of fun. With Jax as my partner as usual, we had a blast. I even enjoyed the crazy ab workout that we did. So thank you to everyone who was there, and most importantly - to Bryan and Lesley - for leading a phenomenal workout!!

Today was overall a good day... got a decent swim in at the Y before the RU class... had a great workout with my friends... got home feeling somewhat Zen about everything... Looking forward to this weekend's workouts...which will include TRAIL RUNNING with Jackie... I can't wait to get back to Mission Trails... I've missed them so much... And can't wait to embark upon my ULTRA training... must do at least 30 for my 30th next year... and we'll go from there. But all in all, I've found the excitement and spark again... and I'm super excited for what the future holds, in so many aspects of my life.

Right now, I'm feeling very focused... very relaxed...and very excited. Out here, triathlon really isn't a "hobby" it's an entire lifestyle, a way of life... you eat, live, breathe, sleep, incorporate your family into it... it consumes you... in a good way... but really - the community out here is fantastic... the support system - incredible... and I couldn't ask for a better journey to have embarked upon in my life.

renewed

After yesterday's wonderful experience at SDIT (thank you, RANDI!!) I am feeling good...A new training week…. And I am excited for it. I am ready to rock and roll…. Feeling quite renewed from the weekend. (Now ask me again next Monday, and the tune might change… but for now, I am going to approach this week with a smile and eager excitement… )

Today will be a swim followed by the Rehab United Tri-Strength with Jax and some of my favorite friends and training buddies. Should be a good workout among good company. Tomorrow is slated for a 2 hour ride and a 30-40 minute… Wednesday is a killer 3000m swim… Thursday is ride/run followed by helping the beginners at the De Anza Cove swim… Friday is my 29th birthday – and we are celebrating by swimming 2 miles and then running 9… and a nice, conversational, fun 9. Nothing crazy… just good company… good conversation…. And then the weekend. Currently on the schedule for Saturday is a 60 mile ride, followed by an 8 mile run…and Sunday has us down for a 10k run followed by 40-50 on the bike… Holy crap. We’ll see how that fits into my life and schedule, but I do know that I’ll get it done to the best of my ability…but am also going to be mindful that we have a nice, long weekend ahead of us and spending time with friends and family is definitely high on the priority list as well).

I keep having this dream (every night for the past few nights) about doing an ultra… in the dream, I’m flying (well, those of you who know how I run know that I most certainly do not “fly”) along the trails, past some of the most amazing scenery I’ve ever seen…. Well, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about it – and I think I want to make this happen next year. I’ve always said I wanted to run 30 for my 30th… and I am going to make it happen…

I won’t be doing another half iron for awhile. I just don’t have the time between family, work, and soon GRAD SCHOOL to devote the time to the brick workouts and the long hours of training… so next year, I will be running-focused with cross training in swimming and biking… doing a few Olys and sprints here and there… but really focusing on the Rs in my life: relationships (family/friends), running, reading (school) and relaxation  I have a few running goals that I want to accomplish… and will attack those with tenacity… and excitement.

SO I challenge myself to attack this week’s training with a renewed energy and excitement…. To push myself as hard as I can… and to accomplish the goals that I’ve set out to accomplish… and to do them in good company, with a good attitude…and look towards the future with a smile  It WILL be good. Oh yes… so much to come… so much potential… so many opportunities to explore and situations to pursue that might just be coming out of the woodwork.

Lets DO THIS!!

trying to deconstruct the mental wall

I found it.
I found it.
I found it.


Today... I swim buddied for 2 waves... and then ran the 10k portion of the triathlon with my good buddy, Randi... I loved every step of that run. It wasn't blisteringly fast...it wasn't slow... it was just PERFECT. The weather was amazing... the conversation and company was awesome... I was reminded of why I loved triathlon - the community... the races... the scenery (in more ways than one!!) and just being around other athletically driven people.

The smell of the bay air... the hot pavement under my feet... the light breeze in my hair... the beat of my heart and rhythm of my breathing... I was hypnotized with every step that we took, smiling the entire way...

I have no doubt in my mind that come race day, I will push myself to new limits..I will bring my "A" Game and aim for the best race that I can put on... I will push myself through these next few weeks, giving it my all...and come race day - I will attack the course with all of my physical and mental being. I can't wait for that moment... the sounding of the gun... the swell of the water as the wave starts... the rush of adrenaline and that moment when you realize "holy shit, I'm RACING!!" And most importantly - I can't wait for that magical moment when my feet hit the timing mat and my race ends... and I can collapse into the arms of friends and family, having accomplished what I once would have thought was a very lofty goal.

I only started doing triathlon last season. (Actually, I started running last season too - my first half marathon eve being Carlsbad 2009)... April 2009 was my first triathlon...and I was hooked. But had you even mentioned to me 3 years ago that I would have run 2 full marathons, ten half marathons, dozens of 5ks and 10ks... olympic and sprint tris... I would have laughed at you. I played sports in high school but I was not athletic. i was overweight... I was very slow (not that I'm fast now LOL) but I really didn't consider myself to be an athlete, even at the varsity level... and I think I still struggle with that today - calling myself a true "athlete."

I think so much of the time, I still really do view myself as that sluggish fat girl in high school. I look in the mirror and can't get past that sometimes. Again, it's always my own head that seems to be my biggest enemy. I really need to get past the mental blocks that I set within myself - I would probably accomplish so more... not only as an "athlete" but as a person as well.

I get going, I start to give it my all... and then... SLAM... right into the mental wall of "Well, I won't be able to do as well as I want to anyway... so why keep pushing!!" Or "Well, I'm not as good as ______ and never will be... so why bother?" I don't know what it is - but I just seem to be my biggest challenge. Now if only I can just break through the mental wall...

Slowly... ever so slowly... I am starting to chip away at this wall...

not a quitter

On Thursday night - this weekend's plans changed significantly. My best friend and training partner, Jackie, experienced something that no parent ever wants to experience. Her son, Shanne, fractured his skull and got a bad concussion. We were supposed to race SDIT this weekend as a relay with her mom, Bobbie... but we didn't feel that it was karmically right for us to do the race under the circumstances and that Jackie needed to focus on her son and her family, at this time. Thankfully, after a night in the hospital and a lot of sleep, he is doing better...recovering still...but doing better... which is a true relief to all of us.

So today... I rode my bike from my house to the expo, where I had decided to volunteer regardless of extenuating circumstances. I had a fantastic ride from South Bay to Spanish Landing park... getting to view from my bike, some of the (less) finer parts of San Diego. I had a blast!! I was reminded of why I enjoyed riding so much - the ability to explore new places, see new things...from the seat of my beloved Rocket.

This is why I need to keep reminding myself that it's back to basics. Back to exploring. back to incorporating enjoyment into training. Back to training hard, but training for the right reasons - for me, for accomplishment... for enjoyment. But after a week of inner turmoil, I am ready to resume a new training week.

Tomorrow I am going to swim buddy at the race...and then run with a friend for the 10k portion. I might even ride part of the course. But I am going to enjoy it, help others, and immerse myself in the community that I have grown to love.

I have, however, re-evaluated my bucket list. I had initially thought I might want to set my sights on some larger races... additional 70.3s in the future... but I am not ready. Next year, I want to focus on my running... which is truly my achilles heel in triathlon... I plan to do a couple marathons...and honestly, I would really like to do an ultra. I turn 30 next year, so I think that I am going to make it my goal to run 30 for my 30th.

I think that after that, I am going to stick with olympic distances and a few sprints to keep it fun... but I am not going to devote my life to training. I have a few running goals that I want to achieve... but I don't think they will require the type of training that we have been doing now... and I look forward to seeing what some focused training on a sport-specific race will be able to do for me. I, of course, plan to cross train in the other disciplines (how could I give up my beloved biking? or the relaxation I find in swimming?) But things will be different.

I've been thinking about ultras more and more lately. It seems so much more up my alley... longer, slower, back to nature. I love the feel of dirt and gravel beneath my feet... the way I feel on the trails... the freedom that nature affords me. I think I am going to throw this into the "less distant future" list... and less in the back of my mind than I've put it in the past. You can learn so much about yourself, about your running partners... about life...nature...passion... on the trails...and I look forward to getting to embrace that.

Back to nature... Zen... peace... bring it on!!


(But for now, I am ready to embrace a new training week... gotta finish what I started and finish strong...I've gotta lose the negative attitude and the "cannot do" thoughts that I've been having...and bring back the push, the pain, the drive... and kick this back into high gear...I'm NOT a quitter)

the wheels in my head

So I’ve decided to put the “fun” back in racing and training. For the last few months, my life has been consumed by pressure, by failure, by self-defeat and negative self-talk. But you know what? I’m done with all that. I race not because I think I have a snowball’s chance in hell of placing… I race because I love the sport(s)… I race because I love the sense of accomplishment and pride that I get when my feet hit the finishing mat… I love the feeling of the cold finisher’s medal against my sweaty, hot skin as I proceed down the finish chute to find my friends and family. I love the look of amazement on my children’s faces when I tell them how long the race was… “Wow, mommy, that is FAR” (which I get from every distance from 5k to 26.2 LOL) but I also love how my involvement in triathlon makes my kids want to participate too.

And with that – I am going back to basics. I am going to enjoy my training. I am going to push myself to my limits on race day and see how far these legs and arms can take me. But I am not going to hate myself if I fail to set a specific time goal. When I originally set out to do this half ironman, I said “I just want to finish.” That turned into “I want to finish sub 7 hours…” which turned into other goals that I think are nearly impossible. I simply just can’t go THAT fast. Sure, I’m an athlete. But to what degree? My brain is far less of an athlete than my lungs, arms, and legs…and on the bike, even my legs can’t keep up with what my heart and lungs could accomplish.

I am going to strive to be better…faster…stronger…. But I am going to enjoy it too. I am going to stop riding loops around fiesta to get “more mileage” for my time… and I am going to head up Soledad…Cabrillo…the Coast… up to UCSD and around La Jolla/Del Mar… I am going to see as much of San Diego as I can on my two wheels, two feet, or swim wherever my arms can carry me. I am going to leave the pool as often as possible in favor of the Cove, the Shores, or even De Nasty. I am going to run in new places whenever possible… and I am going to have fun with my training partners.

I have to do this for ME again. I have to remember WHY I do this.

I finished my bike ride yesterday in tears. And for those of you who know me, know how much I love riding over all else. Yesterday, I just didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to run… or swim… or bike for that matter. But I did… begrudgingly. In the water, I was frustrated with my wetsuit because it takes on so much water and I felt like the floating Michelin Tire Woman… I was loping along until I heard Jax’s voice next to me “Let do this!!” And we were off. Now, even without her wetsuit it was a struggle to stay at her side… but just that short burst of united energy was enough to motivate me to pick up the pace. If only my own voices in my head could be so motivating.

I really need to learn to get outside my head when I’m training. To disconnect mind and body and just perform, much like a machine. Sure, I’ve made great improvement in my mental toughness… but I’ve got a long ways to go when it comes to overcoming the mental walls. The other day I told Jax… “I think my motivation bonked…and that my whole body is flat… not my tires…my whole body. I’m done!” And it was.

I’m racing this weekend… sort of. Well, rather, Jax, Bobbie and I are doing SDIT as a relay. We did it last year and came in 3rd. We are hoping to do better this year. But I’m scared. Scared that with how I’ve been feeling, I won’t be able to perform as well as I want to… but you know what – we do relays because they are fun, because we can do well with combining our strengths… and I need to remember that… remember it, enjoy it, and make my legs scream in pain as I push up Cabrillo.

And after all, as one of my friends told me yesterday “Tomorrow is a new run day.” And it is…. And a new swim and bike day as well.

See you all at the Cove tonight 

the tale of the pink trek

So I was looking at my results for the last year… and as it turns out… my PR for RnR was a 4 minute PR… nothing huge but still… I suppose I should try to look at the small accomplishments instead of simply aiming for the one huge one.

Last night, I was struggling around Fiesta Island... struggling mentally, not physically. For those of you who haev ridden with me before, you know I hate being passed. Someone passes me, and I try my hardest to "get them" -- an unfortunate habit that has gotten me into trouble several times before. As I cruised at 25.25 mph, a tiny man on a bright pink Trek plowed by me... staring my direction as he wizzed by, almost taunting me with his eyes...he was doing it on purpose. He has been on the island every time that I've TT'd around it, for the last few months... and he's always behind me... until that one part of fiesta that goes downhill... he then plows down at lightning speed... and passes me. One of my loops, I was determined to not let him pass me... I pushed as hard as I could... I thought I had him... Then... I heard it... the sound of someone behind me... I tried to hold on, but he was just too fast. That tiny man, on the bright pink bike... passed me... yet again... Moments later, I was engulfed in the peleton that is the Tues/Thursday "world cup" ride or something. I was so scared, I nearly fell off my bike...but tried to hang on to the wheel of the last rider for a few... I could not. But I tried.

I felt my motivation coming back last night... I'll get there again... but for now, I've got a date with 2800 in the pool.