Putting One Foot In Front of the Other One...

This became somewhat of an anthem for me today during my long run with Jax.  I had a feeling that this morning was not going to be a good one in terms of my arthritis because it literally took over an hour to get moving and out of bed... and even after my pain meds and stretching/shower, I was still feeling pretty crummy.  My knees, ankles, hips, hands and elbows felt hot and flu-like and I was pretty tired. 

I had also gotten some new shoes and was excited to try them out but we had gone just 0.3 miles when I realized that they made my feet feel like lead and they were uncomfortable.  However, I knew that we needed to get this done to the best of  our abilities my inability. 

My knees and ankles throbbed.  My hands felt like lead weights at my side... everything hurt.  There were tears shed.  It was pretty awful and defeating.  But I had my best friend at my side as motivation.  As we ran loped along....

It was emotional for several reason... for the first time, I was faced with my arthritis really being a limiter and that was a difficult pill to swallow.  It was also time to really process my divorce and everything that comes along with that. 

There's way more I want to write about but my eyelids are closing and it is getting very late!!!

New direction... In eating

So my partner in crime best friend, Jax, and I decided to really get "serious" about our health through a change in diet lifestyle. We decided to take the Whole30 challenge and follow a strict paleo diet for 30 days, and then transition to regular paleo. However, for 30 days... It's no: gluten, legumes, preservatives, sugar, artificial sweetener, alcohol, grains, dairy, MSG, carrageenan, sulfite OR weighing yourself! So far, so good.

The whole idea behind it is to eat organic, grass fed meats, fresh (preferably organic) vegetables and fruits and healthy fats...for seasoning and what not, we can use vinegar (except malt), ghee, clarified butter, seasonings that don't contain any of the forbidden items, mustard that doesn't have forbidden items... You get the point...

Anyway, I've had a good week of food this far...

(More detailed post to follow tomorrow)

For now... I'll leave you with some food porn photos of what I've been eating this week...

Some photos

Here are a few photos :)

"Here I go again on my own!!"

Where do I even begin? It has been over 3 months since my last confession entry. So many things have changed, and I suppose that's cliché, but it's the truth. Relationships ended, new relationships formed, friends with continued presence in my life, friends who've fallen victim to changed circumstances and life's harsh reality... I've gained some, lost some, and come around again. I've lost and found myself dozens of times and fallen and picked myself up again as well. The frustrations of my life are many... my disability money ran out for short term disability on February 15th and apparently, the application process/approval for long term disability can take up to 6 months. To make matters worse, I was scheduled to return to Bank of America on March 15th, but unfortunately, as anticipated, it has not been easy, My old boss has moved on to betterother things, and the new man in her place, while he seems friendly enough, has not been able to get results with corporate in terms of getting an answer as to whether or not I can return to my old position. So now here we are, over a month since I've had ANY income and being a single parent, this is not acceptable nor is it feasible to continue living like this. What's a girl to do? Well, this girl has re-vamped her resume, applied for dozens of jobs, and has reached out as much as possible to EVERYONE that I know to see if they have job opportunities or know of anything worthwhile checking out. I'm starting to feel like a huge failure and stress about all things financial. Here I am, 31 years old, and I feel like I am so behind the 8-ball in terms of "what I want to be when I grow up." Most of my friends have fantastic careers that they love, or at least are very close to achieving said career. Me, on the other hand, just began the last of 5 prerequisites prior to applying to the Nursing program at National University. I thought I was on the right path. I've been spending all my energy and time on school and my children. My days are filled with being a chef, maid, chauffeur, personal trainer, tutor, referee, therapist, nurse, etc... homework and school lunches, bedtime stories and shrinky dinks... and I love it. Being a stay-at-home Mom has been so rewarding. Five years ago, if I had been told that I was going to be a stay-at-home Mom for over a year and love it, I would have laughed at you - citing that I would be so bored and would run out of patience for my kids. However, that is most certainly not the case. Being home has been incredible and I hate the thought of going back to work. Being able to be there for my kids through their daily routine has been exciting, not boring. Having the opportunity to go to school events, parent lunches, meetings, etc., has been amazing. I feel so connected to my daughters as a result, and all of our relationships are stronger, closer, and more meaningful. When I told the girls I was looking to go back to work, both of them got upset and said they didn't want me to. Unfortunately, it is not fiscally possible for me to be home without any sort of money coming in. This means one of two things NEEDS to happen. 1) I need a job. ASAP. Like yesterday. 2) Long term disability needs to be determined. I just feel so hopeless right now. I hate having to ask for help, rely on others, and/or just struggle as though I were an irresponsible, immature college student. I thought earning my BA in Psychology would OPEN myself up to opportunities... but it hasn't. I qualify for the $10/hour residential treatment facility grunt jobs. I understand that I have to pay the piper, do my time, that I have to get experience before I can get paid for my "expertise." It doesn't make it any less frustrating, though. I'm ready, willing, and able to find a great job... now... to find the right opportunity! If life could be sustained on love alone and wealth measured in hugs, kisses, and cuddles... I'd be the healthiest and wealthiest woman alive. My children bring so much love to my life. My relationship with both of them has improved and involved so much and I couldn't be happier.

new year, new me....

I've decided that this year will be my "year of the phoenix." This will be the year that I rise up from the ashes of the last couple years, and emerge reborn, with strength and courage. I have been dealt some terrible cards, especially in 2012, and I am determined to take the hard lessons, learn from them, and move on with high aspirations and lofty goals.

I do not like "resolutions" or the "promise" to achieve some thing(s). I prefer to set my intentions for the year and if I do not achieve everything, so be it. I'm sure the experiences in their place will be just as valuable.

This year, I hope to:

1) Finish the prereqs to be able to start nursing school by 2014
2) Get back into triathlon... whether I race or not is entirely to be determined.
3) Read more, write more, draw more.
4) Lose 5-10 lbs of fat, gain 5-10 lbs of muscle.
5) Complete another ultra marathon with my best friend.
6) Try at least ONE new hobby, sport, etc. every month.
7) Eat a diet that's 80% vegan, and low gluten.
8) Get control of my finances... Yes, I keep saying that "this is the year" but I am at the point where I absolutely MUST do something. I feel this will be easier once the divorce is processed.
9) Workout at least 30 minutes a day, 6 days a week AT MINIMUM.
10) Enroll the children in a hobby (dance, gymnastics, etc)
11) Spend more "positive" time with the kids, enjoying them.
12) Continue to follow through on disciplinary tactics, command the respect of the kids.
13) Work on my relationship with Jason to ensure that we will be efficient co-parents.
14) Emit only the best energy, focus on being positive, showing love to those around me.
15) Accept love into my life, but not make it a focus. Focus on the relationships that I DO have in my life, and continue to treat others as I prefer to be treated.
16) Keep an open mind and heart.
17) Blog every day and post a photo every day.
18) Learn to love myself more, and show it. Emit confidence.
19) Keep in touch better with family who do not live in San Diego. Be a more supportive and active family member.
20) Be a more doting and nurturing daughter.

Well... that's "it" per se. It seems like a lot but I think it is pretty simple. All of the things mentioned will help me become a better and more complete person from my own actions and pursuits. In 2012, I lost in the game of love. And it hurts. Not only did I lose the fight for my marriage, but I lost in some other relationships as well. And all of this really has me questioning my "commitment" to polyamory. I do not necessarily subscribe to monogamy at all, nor do I truly find the institute of marriage appealing and/or right... but I don't know what the best thing for me or the kiddos is right now. I just want to be happy. I just want THEM to be happy. I suppose this is all a huge "to be continued..." as I rise from the ash.

The true loves of my life

Love these girls. I feel we have bonded tremendously the last few months especially. They are with their dad this weekend and I've missed them terribly...














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Great people, great life

Just some photos from our BBQ on Wednesday...









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Sarah, a friend from Vermont, was in town for a science conference and I got to visit with her for a couple days...




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Halloween

Nathaniel did a great job with everyone's makeup













The grown ups


Some of The kids


Zoe and her "boyfriend"











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Location:Friars Rd,San Diego,United States

Just more photos to summarize my life

Nathaniel and I took a trip to Vermont to escape the daily grind here and spend time at a relaxing retreat, New York City, and all over the place...

I lived in Bennington, VT from age 7-17... It's a truly beautiful place that I can now appreciate as an adult...



My old house/7 acre yard... I really miss that garden!


A 306 foot tall monument that was in my front yard...




We stayed at my awesome piano teacher's house... With a bunch of other musically inclined, friendly, awesome people!


We were fed very well...


And among great people...




Robert Frost's grave... Where I'd write poetry as a teen...





Nathaniel has always wanted to go to Peru... But this had to do...




The scenery was awesome...
(And clearly so are we!)








Saturday, Nathaniel bought train tickets for us to go to NYC from Albany, NY... About a 2.5 hour ride... But worth it as his brother, Dan (who lives in NM), was there!










The gift shop manager who remembered me after 13 years!


We had 15 hours to spend exploring NYC... So we made the most of it...Saturday, the 6th of October...

Empire State Building...


















Nathaniel and Dan




A triangle of awesome





Awww



Times Square...


Met up with a good friend of Nathaniel's... She is pretty awesome!






And Dan... Who graciously let us crash for the evening in his hotel room...



Then back to Vermont for more good food, fun, friends and hot tubbing...
(Rough life???)


A new friend, Joe


And the woman of the house, Polly, who hosted us and made us feel welcome!




Great food before taking off... The blue benn diner, one of my childhood favorites...








One of my childhood best friends, Jessica. She's a mommy now!!



All In all, an amazing weekend! We can't wait for next year!!

The kids missed me...



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