inner struggles

so here's a picture of me ready to pop with my first pregnancy... i had a long struggle with anorexia/bulimia and when I got pregnant, my poor metabolism couldn't handle eating normally... so I packed on 80 lbs just by "being healthy." This monstrosity was the result:


So needless to say, having a healthy relationship with my weight has been a struggle... and I've really had a hard time finding the balance of one extreme and another. I've never been easily able to find the balance between good and evil, right and wrong, fast and slow, quiet or loud, lazy and crazy... starvation and overindulgence... to little or too much... I've just always been an "extreme" kind of person. One of my main goals for myself for this year is to find the balance... to meet myself halfway... to give a little, take a little, and most importantly - give myself a break.

I never really considered myself to be an athlete until I completed Barb's Race half ironman in July. That race truly showed me what I'm capable of (as if the 2 full marathons the prior year had not LOL) and really taught me some things about myself. But even to this day, I don't really consider myself to be a "true athlete." I know I've said that before, but it's just how I feel about things, and I'm hoping that 2011 will be the year I finally believe in myself.

I'm also a defeatest... if something's not going my way, it crushes me. Vegas 1/2 Marathon in December is a perfect example of it... the race wasn't going my way, and instead of pulling my head out of my ass and finishing strong... I felt defeated and essentially gave up. Even though my time was not what I had hoped and my heart rate was too high, and my pace had to be slower than I had wanted to maintain a lower heart rate, I should have pushed on. I didn't. And my time sucked.

But no more dwelling in the past. It's GO TIME. Time to kick some ass, and rock the new year, new season. At least I have some great company to join me (pics stolen from Jax).