Goal Setting

Last night, Jax and I stayed behind after our Tri Strength class to talk with Bryan about our goals. It was extremely motivating and I realized that I was selling myself short with some of my goals.

I've always had a "problem" with believing in myself, especially as an athlete. I've never really considered myself an athlete, and even 2 full marathons and 9 half marathons (not to mention the countless 5ks, 10ks, training runs, etc) that I've accomplished, I still do not really feel like I can call myself a runner. Perhaps it just comes with the lifelong lack of self-esteem that I've had, or perhaps since I've just never set goals for myself before, I've never had a true measurement of achievement.

I was "the fat kid" growing up. I played sports...soccer as a young kid, then field hockey and lacrosse at the varsity level in high school... but I was overweight, and have always had self-image problems because of it. I still see myself as the "fat kid," the "slow one," the "non-athlete" and I think that's the barrier that I really need to work on breaking down. I'm imperfect... and I need to come to terms with the fact that it's okay to not fit into a particular mold... that I need to be happier with myself, and see the accomplishments that I have achieved, instead of focusing on the failures. I'm just hoping that this comes sooner rather than later, because self-disappointment is an unhappy place to be.

The past 6 months have been a whirlwind of training and racing. However, it has been in the last month or so when I had the realization that I need to really take myself seriously as an "athlete" - dare I actually call myself an athlete? I've always just thought of athletes as tiny, muscular, fast... three things which I am not... but participate in the athletic events - that I do. And I love it. I often joke that I'm a triathlete, because I'm "trying to be an athlete" but really, my secret (and now not-so-secret) desire is that I continue to improve and can just blow my old times and goals out of the water.

I am not fast. I don't have a particular sport of the three that I truly excel at. I'm a decent biker, and alright swimmer...and well, I can run...sort of. But I do love the rush of the adrenaline, the excitement, the lifestyle that is associated with racing and the triathlon community... so I keep trucking.

My goals are to be faster, stronger, better - in all three disciplines. And I know I can do it, I just need to get everything dialed in... I need to learn how to get out of my own head and push myself as hard as possible. I need to find confidence in myself and my own abilities, and not allow for my insecurities to get in my way.

I am my own worst enemy. In sports, my head reigns over my heart. My heart is fully comitted, fully in the race, but smoetimes my head is not. I need to learn to get over the voices in my head telling me to slow down or stop or "it hurts." I need to learn to trust in my own abilities...

Now I'm not going to publish my time goals just yet... but I have some very lofty ones that I'm trying to achieve. I just worry that I will fail, and disappoint myself. And others. Two of my biggest fears in life - failure and disappointment.

I know the next 7 weeks of training are going to hurt... they are going to rule my life...and I am probably going to cry at some points. But they will all be worth it in the end - as I cross that finish line... hopefully, at some time around __:__ (to be shared later)

And to Jax, Bryan, my husband (and my other friends/supporters) - thank you for pushing me, for encouraging me, for believing in me... even when I have a hard time doing that myself.