Sunday, July 1, 2012

ramble ramble

I don't really talk about it much, at least not out loud, but the dialogue in my own head is loud and clear and occasionally it gets too much to contain... It just seems as though all too often, I look at the people in my life and wonder why I try so hard. I feel that I am a great friend, an awesome person, and I'm always striving to make those I care about feel loved and appreciated... but so much of the time, everyone seems too wrapped up in their own drama and problems to even NOTICE that they are being thrown so much positive energy. I can't help but want to make the world a better place, even if that means reaching out and touching ONE person at a time. Even if I can only better the life of a single person, my life would be meaningful. Though - better MY own life is a constant and ever present challenge and desire. But... I feel as though my mission in life is to help others, whether it be in helping them make changes in their own lives or showing them something positive through example. Are people just THAT wrapped up in their own lives that they can't take moments to see beyond themselves? Or perhaps, perhaps I am wrong in my thought that people can even SEE beyond their own lives with ease... though - why is it that I constantly step outside of myself and try to impact others? Is the effort futile? Or perhaps people simply don't know how to receive such a gift and therefore, in spite of their recognition of it, cannot react appropriately? But then again - what is "appropriately?" How can I expect a reaction of a certain type that I don't really even have a specific behavior attached to it? What IS IT that I am actually expecting? A thanks? A hug? A change of THEIR behavior? I'm not quite sure what, exactly, it is. Though... I suppose I'd expect SOME kind of indication that my efforts were at least positively received... but then again, how can I want a positive result for a behavior/action that wasn't even ASKED for? Is it wrong for me to ASSUME that people WANT love and for someone to care about them as I do? Perhaps my expectations are a bit high... but then again, there I go saying the word "expectation." I can't fairly expect ANYTHING from another human being. I can't assume that my actions will create some kind of reaction... though - for every action there is a reaction... (equal or oppositive, that is)... so positive or negative, a reaction is warranted. Perhaps their lack of action is this reaction. Inaction = action. I find this to be a bit sad. Though - this type of inaction will not stop my actions. Anyway, I go back and read those paragraphs sometimes and realize that to others reading it, it might not make sense... but, these are thoughts in my head at times and I feel the need to put it to paper. So that some day, maybe years and years from now, I can look back on what I was doing, what I was thinking... and realize that I am/was simply trying to better the world. MY world? THE world? What world is it that I am trying to improve. The world of those around me? How does one even define such parameters? But alas, I ramble. (And should probably head to bed)