Monday, August 9, 2010

... and it goes on, and on, and on.....

"I throw my hands up in the air sometimes
Saying AYO
Gotta let go
I wanna celebrate and live my life
Saying AYO
Baby, let's go

'Cause we gon' rock this club
We gon' go all night...we gon' light it up... like it's dynamite!!"

This song went through my head for the entire 70.3 miles of the race a couple weeks ago... music has always been so important to me and having the right motivational beat has always gotten me through the most tough of times...

Right now, I'm struggling... I'm struggling to get my workouts in... but succeeding in other places in my life... and actually, I have found that it's making me agitated...angry... My husband took a fantastic job with Dell and is away in Texas for training and will be traveling most of the months when he is home, and home on the weekends. What does this mean? It means I guess I need to get creative with my workouts and really figure out the balance. Jason has always been there for Jackie and I, taking care of all FOUR kids when needed, when asked... usually at least once a week (if not two or more times a week!!) he had all the kids. He was amazing, helpful... I really relied on him for assistance. And I know how lucky I am... I appreciate it... I make sure to let him know how much I appreciate it... but right now, I'm lost. I help "swim buddy" for Bobbie during the beginner open water swim on Thursday... I have brick workouts that I'm supposed to do during the week... but it's incredibly hard when there are lunches to make, dishes to wash, a house to clean, kids to entertain, meals to be made, camps to be picked up from, etc etc. So I'm a little lost right now. Today I was supposed to swim... but I had a paper due tonight for my master's program. The treadmill is broken (waiting on a new belt) or I would go for a run. I could get on the trainer... but I need to finish my paper. I have one due every week... This is going to be interesting.

I still have goals. I still have hopes for my performance. Barb's race made me realize that I truly CAN do what I put my mind to. And now I want to see what more I can make my body do... and I have 32 days until my next race...and I am kind of stressing about getting in the training. I feel that I won't be able to put in what I need to, and I feel selfish even feeling anxious and antsy when I don't get a good workout in. But I was used to that - I got used to the hard was an energy release for me... a stress reliever... a way to really feel good about myself. The last week of recovery has been extremely hard on me!! I am antsy... I feel really anxious... I want to be moving... I want to put in the miles on my bike and feet... I want to feel the water in my fingers as I lope through the water.. I need to find balance. I need to figure out how to maintain the highest levels of myself as a mom, wife, student, and athlete. Now... where to start?

I feel like I've let myself down... I'm letting myself down... I'm failing... in that I can't follow what's currently on my training plan... that I don't have the time right now to do it all.. how can I get past this? Will I ever really get past feeling that I'm letting myself down... or those who have been encouraging and supporting me. I feel that in not doing my training and not going everything I am "supposed to" be doing is a failure. So what do I do? Do I make time for it all, getting 0 sleep? Do I just deal with the fact that I don't have the time? How can I break through that mental barrier of NOT pushing myself as before?> How peculiar... at one point, I had trouble getting through the workouts... and now I miss them!! How crazy...

1 comment:

  1. What I learned- don't beat yourself up too much it will just push you down rather than raise you up which is what you need right now. You are strong and fit and ready mentally and psychically. Even if you don't get every workout planned in, you will still be able to compete at a high level in your next race. Let your life be lived and appreciate all the moments, even if they are ones in which training doesn't come- you're still accomplishing huge goals. School and Parenting? Some people can barely do those let along finish in GREAT time a 70.3! So when you can't get a work out in, just say to yourself, that's okay I'm a strong student, that's okay I'm a strong Mother, Friend, Daughter, etc. I know I'm on the periphery, but you're not letting anyone down, seriously.