Friday, June 8, 2012


So many things are happening in my life... the wings of change are starting to lift me higher. I feel that I am constantly improving myself and my life, in spite of the fact that I face obstacles on a pretty regular basis. After my 50k in April, I felt on top of the world... in the best shape of my life and ready to conquer ANYTHING. Anyway, I stopped training as hard and just started to relax and enjoy life...and focus on the kids and things at home. However, that's where things began to change. Jason and I have had a great relationship for the last 7 years. We are best friends. We love each other very much. We communicate well and have similar ideals when it comes to raising our children. However, the passion is gone. It pretty much disappeared...and what we have left is a great friendship and a solid foundation for raising our children... and with that, we have moved past each other. Into other relationships, friendships, partnerships, etc. Do I have regrets? No. I simply cannot regret anything of the last 7 years. I have learned from the experiences and feel that I am a stronger, better equipped person and that I am able to better take on new challenges with ease. I feel that I am able to put my energy and efforts elsewhere (besides my marriage) without any hesitation and am, in fact, a better person because of that experience. I have learned so much about myself, about relationships, and about what it takes to "make things work." I have expanded my heart, my mind, the possibilities of life. The world is truly at my fingertips and I am excited to continue moving forward with life. Do I think that I will ever want to marry again? Do I want more kids? Why has it been so easy to just "let go" of this marriage? Well... I don't know. I think the answer to the first two questions is really a matter of life, experience, and time. Do I know what will happen tomorrow? Can I predict the future? Do I feel that a marriage is a necessity in life? Not really. I've been there, done that... and could maybe do it again... but I am not going to confine myself to any preconceived notions or expectations. Do I want more kids? At the moment, I can't really fathom the notion of "being pregnant" -- but I had great pregnancies, easy births, and I love children. So really, everything in life is currently "up for discussion" and at the hand of circumstance. And how has it been easy for me? This hasn't been easy at all. This has been one of the hardest realizations of my life... the realization that something I've worked so hard at has failed. Though... has it really failed? I'm not sure. I don't necessarily feel that marriage is the "be all, end all." In fact, before I got married, I'm not sure I necessarily bought into the whole idea at all. Sure, judge me all you want... but really, I don't believe that a piece of paper holds the key to my happiness. I feel that love comes in SO many forms, and people can be brought together and tied by a bond far greater than a marriage certificate can possible proclaim... so do I feel badly about the ending of my marriage? No. I feel fortunate to have had the experience and to have learned the lessons that I was able to learn. I am elated having emerged from this with another beautiful daughter (Ellie) and the adoption of Zoe. I am thrilled to have found a best friend and partner for the last 7 years and am so grateful for all of our experiences that we shared. Besides... for the most part, I don't hold anything that has happened in my life as a "regret." I see everything as some kind of lesson or growth opportunity. I try to keep an open mind and heart to new experiences as much as possible and strive to achieve some kind of knowledge from everything that I do. That being said... here's to new experiences, a new chapter of this crazy book, and a new path on this crazy journey called life. I'm just glad I have all of the amazing people in my life to share it with... but some of that is a story for another day. Regardless, the bottom line is that I am happy... and am just enjoying the ride... without expectation, without a predetermined plan... just hanging on, as the wind blows steadily in my hair. :)

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