Tuesday, March 26, 2013
"Here I go again on my own!!"
Where do I even begin? It has been over 3 months since my last
confession entry. So many things have changed, and I suppose that's cliché, but it's the truth. Relationships ended, new relationships formed, friends with continued presence in my life, friends who've fallen victim to changed circumstances and life's harsh reality... I've gained some, lost some, and come around again. I've lost and found myself dozens of times and fallen and picked myself up again as well. The frustrations of my life are many... my disability money ran out for short term disability on February 15th and apparently, the application process/approval for long term disability can take up to 6 months. To make matters worse, I was scheduled to return to Bank of America on March 15th, but unfortunately, as anticipated, it has not been easy, My old boss has moved on to betterother things, and the new man in her place, while he seems friendly enough, has not been able to get results with corporate in terms of getting an answer as to whether or not I can return to my old position. So now here we are, over a month since I've had ANY income and being a single parent, this is not acceptable nor is it feasible to continue living like this. What's a girl to do? Well, this girl has re-vamped her resume, applied for dozens of jobs, and has reached out as much as possible to EVERYONE that I know to see if they have job opportunities or know of anything worthwhile checking out. I'm starting to feel like a huge failure and stress about all things financial. Here I am, 31 years old, and I feel like I am so behind the 8-ball in terms of "what I want to be when I grow up." Most of my friends have fantastic careers that they love, or at least are very close to achieving said career. Me, on the other hand, just began the last of 5 prerequisites prior to applying to the Nursing program at National University. I thought I was on the right path. I've been spending all my energy and time on school and my children. My days are filled with being a chef, maid, chauffeur, personal trainer, tutor, referee, therapist, nurse, etc... homework and school lunches, bedtime stories and shrinky dinks... and I love it. Being a stay-at-home Mom has been so rewarding. Five years ago, if I had been told that I was going to be a stay-at-home Mom for over a year and love it, I would have laughed at you - citing that I would be so bored and would run out of patience for my kids. However, that is most certainly not the case. Being home has been incredible and I hate the thought of going back to work. Being able to be there for my kids through their daily routine has been exciting, not boring. Having the opportunity to go to school events, parent lunches, meetings, etc., has been amazing. I feel so connected to my daughters as a result, and all of our relationships are stronger, closer, and more meaningful. When I told the girls I was looking to go back to work, both of them got upset and said they didn't want me to. Unfortunately, it is not fiscally possible for me to be home without any sort of money coming in. This means one of two things NEEDS to happen. 1) I need a job. ASAP. Like yesterday. 2) Long term disability needs to be determined. I just feel so hopeless right now. I hate having to ask for help, rely on others, and/or just struggle as though I were an irresponsible, immature college student. I thought earning my BA in Psychology would OPEN myself up to opportunities... but it hasn't. I qualify for the $10/hour residential treatment facility grunt jobs. I understand that I have to pay the piper, do my time, that I have to get experience before I can get paid for my "expertise." It doesn't make it any less frustrating, though. I'm ready, willing, and able to find a great job... now... to find the right opportunity! If life could be sustained on love alone and wealth measured in hugs, kisses, and cuddles... I'd be the healthiest and wealthiest woman alive. My children bring so much love to my life. My relationship with both of them has improved and involved so much and I couldn't be happier.