Sunday, June 27, 2010

trying to deconstruct the mental wall

I found it.
I found it.
I found it.

Today... I swim buddied for 2 waves... and then ran the 10k portion of the triathlon with my good buddy, Randi... I loved every step of that run. It wasn't blisteringly wasn't slow... it was just PERFECT. The weather was amazing... the conversation and company was awesome... I was reminded of why I loved triathlon - the community... the races... the scenery (in more ways than one!!) and just being around other athletically driven people.

The smell of the bay air... the hot pavement under my feet... the light breeze in my hair... the beat of my heart and rhythm of my breathing... I was hypnotized with every step that we took, smiling the entire way...

I have no doubt in my mind that come race day, I will push myself to new limits..I will bring my "A" Game and aim for the best race that I can put on... I will push myself through these next few weeks, giving it my all...and come race day - I will attack the course with all of my physical and mental being. I can't wait for that moment... the sounding of the gun... the swell of the water as the wave starts... the rush of adrenaline and that moment when you realize "holy shit, I'm RACING!!" And most importantly - I can't wait for that magical moment when my feet hit the timing mat and my race ends... and I can collapse into the arms of friends and family, having accomplished what I once would have thought was a very lofty goal.

I only started doing triathlon last season. (Actually, I started running last season too - my first half marathon eve being Carlsbad 2009)... April 2009 was my first triathlon...and I was hooked. But had you even mentioned to me 3 years ago that I would have run 2 full marathons, ten half marathons, dozens of 5ks and 10ks... olympic and sprint tris... I would have laughed at you. I played sports in high school but I was not athletic. i was overweight... I was very slow (not that I'm fast now LOL) but I really didn't consider myself to be an athlete, even at the varsity level... and I think I still struggle with that today - calling myself a true "athlete."

I think so much of the time, I still really do view myself as that sluggish fat girl in high school. I look in the mirror and can't get past that sometimes. Again, it's always my own head that seems to be my biggest enemy. I really need to get past the mental blocks that I set within myself - I would probably accomplish so more... not only as an "athlete" but as a person as well.

I get going, I start to give it my all... and then... SLAM... right into the mental wall of "Well, I won't be able to do as well as I want to anyway... so why keep pushing!!" Or "Well, I'm not as good as ______ and never will be... so why bother?" I don't know what it is - but I just seem to be my biggest challenge. Now if only I can just break through the mental wall...

Slowly... ever so slowly... I am starting to chip away at this wall...


  1. Rebecca, a very inspiring post. It is always us who creates our own barriers. We define ourselves. We decide how we are to be in this world. I see that you are choosing to be engaged and challenged willing to meet yourself through your athletics. Good for you. You will have a deep and meaningful journey where there will always be a challenge, there will always be a need for self acceptance. Find the love in your heart for you and be kind, forgiving and give it your all. If you do, you always are the winner.

  2. the word athlete is just that. a word. don't let it define who you are and what you do. don't get caught up in finding the definition. you are you. which is what you decide to be. :)
    break through.